cool kids

dear judgmental people,

tell me please. why is it that you're so perfect and i'm not. please, do share your secrets because i would like to know just what rights you have to put me down. if you have nothing to say then shut up. who gave you the rights to judge the way i live my life? i would really like to know because i'm sick and tired of it. it may be easy for you to simply just blurt out something but before you do, is it really so hard to stop and think about what you're about to say? or are you really just that simple minded? if you want to judge me silently or behind my back then by all means. but the minute you say it to my face, then it's a whole different story. i'm not perfect and i've never tried to be. so why is it that some people just have to go around and make my flaws known to everyone else? i'm sorry i can't be like you. and i'm sorry i can't be who you want me to be. but i'm done trying to please people like you. in the end i'm the one that has to live with my decisions. i wish i cared about your opinions but the truth is that i just don't.

BSC

i honestly don't really know why i joined. the only real reason why i went for the interview was because i was afraid that i was going to regret not going. but from the start i already had a feeling that i wasn't going to like it. i'm the kind of person that prefers to sit quietly aside and watch things happen. i don't particularly enjoy being the person that makes things happen. plus, i kinda hate camp. yesterday was the first BSC meeting and i just can't help but feel out of place. i'm not going to judge the people there because i barely even know them. but the fact is that all these people were here because they enjoyed making new friends and going to camp. i was just there because i was scared of regret. i already knew from the start that i wouldn't stay in there forever cause i still wanted to join cmm ig but before i can back out i gotta go for the subcomm camp and for the millionth time. I. HATE. CAMP. why do i do this to myself? right now i just really hope that i can overcome my awkwardness and survive those 3 days. help.

i wish that i could be like the cool kids.

cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in.

i'm the kind of person that can't say what's on my mind. i'll keep it in until everything just builds up and then i'll implode. then i'll put myself back together and then the process will start all over again. it may seem like such a terrible way to live life but it's really not that hard. the way i see it holding everything in is just the way i cope. by having everything bottled up, it just makes me feel as tho i have something to hold onto and something to stand on. if you make me say what's on my mind it just takes away that coping mechanism and then i just end up feeling more lost than before. i won't tell anyone my problems not because i don't want to but because i can't. firstly, everytime i try to do so, the words just don't come out. and secondly, if i tell you what's wrong, i don't think i'll even know how or what to do with myself after that. i'll just feel empty. i know i had something else that i wanted to get off my chest but i starting think about design school's chicken cutlet with nacho sauce and now i just can't find my train of thoughts. if you haven't notice i'm just pretty much typing out everything that comes to my head. hmmm. can't remember. moving on.

all my submissions are just piling up but yet here i am still trying to get my shit together. it's come to a point where i know that my projects are falling apart but yet i don't know how to fix it. sorry for being hopelessly and utterly useless when it comes to school. can everything just go back to pfp where it was so easy and where work would just kinda magically finish itself? i just can't help but envy the new batch of pfp students. as much as i love and appreciate the class that i'm in now, i can't help but want pfp to last forever. i know i can't keep holding on to last year. after all,

"you can't keep running back to the past just because it's familiar."

stressed // depressed // and not all that well dressed.

high hopes and velvet ropes

 
new blog. new life.

i basically created this blog for a couple of reason.

1. I screwed up the layout in my old one.

2.  Don't really want anyone finding out about my blog.

3. I just realised how childish my old blog was.

4. I've changed. I'm not the girl in that blog anymore.

People change. it's part of life. so why is it that changing is always seen as something negative? when people start to tell us that we've changed, we have two choices. we can either deny it, or accept it. i used to just sit around and worry about what people thought of me and about how i could go back to being the person everyone thought I was. then i realised just how stupid that was. i am who i am. not who everyone wants me to be. i didn't change. i just grew up and became the person that i was always meant to be. accept who you are. and others will have no choice but to do the same. it isn't till you stop to take a step back that you start to realise that sometimes, people leaving is for the best. some people just weren't meant to stay and no matter how hard you try, you can't make them. letting go is hard and forgetting is harder. but if you keep holding on to something that isn't there anymore, you're the one that's going to get hurt. learn to let go. because sometimes that's the only way to stop yourself from drowning.

ok let's talk about life.
Sick of school.
Sick of assignment.
Sick of projects.
and probably sick of u.

 Work is piling up and yet i'm still here blogging and wasting my life away cause that's what i'm good at. school's a bore and i honestly learn nothing much everyday cause i either don't pay attention or i don't understand anything. honestly missing pfp like crazy now. everything was so easy and different. everyone was so friendly and it was a family. i'm truly grateful for the friends i've made in year 1 but when new friends come in you tend to lose your old ones. suddenly people who you were once so close too become a thing of your past and it's as if you were never friends. people come and people go. makes you wonder who you can really trust doesn't it?

If you don't understand something you shouldn't be too quick to judge. every time someone asks me about this i don't know why but i get so defensive and angry about it that i just can't seem to properly reason with them. get this right once and for all,
 
 FIRSTLY:
#wearwhite WAS NOT ORGANISED IN PROTEST OF THE PINK DOT EVENT

The Pink Dot event was held by people who want to make a stand about how two people of the same sex should be allowed to be together legally. Similarly, some Muslims and Christians also decided to take a stand and be pro family which means that they support the fact that families now consists of marriages that occur between a man and a woman. So now tell me, why is it that people who support the LGBT movement can take their stand with no questions asked but the minute we try to do so, we are shot down and faced with so much negativity? Moreover, the Pink Dot event was held at Hong Lim Park. It was held at a park. Also known as a PUBLIC PLACE. which means that anyone who walks past it, would be able to see what was going on. Christian's of FCBC on the other hand, decided to wear white in OUR OWN CHURCH during one of our regular sunday service. so now, after everything has been said and done, why is it that we are still seen as the ones who are being confrontational. i'm sorry but i just don't get it. 

SECONDLY:
I AM NOT HOMOPHOBIC.

Some of my best friends are gay and i do not discriminate against them. i still love them all the same. the Bible has taught me to love my neighbour as myself. it did not tell me to love my neighbour only if they weren't gay. my God loves everyone the same and i try my best to do the same. so don't you dare tell me that i hate all gays because i support the #wearwhite movement. i am sick and tired of people jumping to conclusions without knowing all the details. if after listening to everything i've said and you still think that what we did was wrong, then that is your opinion and i respect that. but please, before you judge, know what you're really judging. 

Speaking of judging.......
i absolutely hate it when people judge. it's my life and i am free to make my own decisions so tell me again, who are you to say that i'm not allowed to choose my own path and do what i want? if you think that what i'm doing isn't right then that's your opinion. there's no need for you to jam it down my throat. i honestly don't need someone constantly throwing me disapproving looks and judgmental comments. if you haven't noticed, my life is shitty enough without them. if you can't accept the way i'm living my life then leave. i'm 18. i'm still figuring things out. i'll get there eventually. but as for now, i'm sorry i'm not perfect enough for you. or rather, i'm sorry i'm not the person you want me to be. i will apologise for that but i will not apologise for being who i am. 

if you came here hoping that i would blog about important and interesting shit like typical bloggers do then i'm sorry. cause on my blogs i usually just complain about my life because it's kinda what i'm good at. my life is pretty messed up so i usually do have a lot of things to complain about.

don't judge me i'm not here to please you.

 #wearwhite