nineteen

The past few days have been beyond amazing. if i haven't said it before, i'm gonna say it now. i love cmm. it's not just about the friendship. it's about how they're always there to pick you up when you're down. they've always got my back. and they're all i'm ever going to need. don't let guys determine how happy u are. take a step back and make urself smile. you are stronger than you think.

"It's your last teen"

Nineteen. The last teen. don't waste it on people that don't matter. you could sit here and cry for another eight months or you could let go and live. 18 might not have been great so make 19 the best that it can be. we grow, we learn. he wasn't a mistake, he was a lesson. i don't want to be upset anymore. so i'm gonna be happy. i know that i've moved on. i just haven't really let go. but i'm getting there. baby steps ya? hahahaha. it's a new year. don't spend it being hung up on something that brings you down. you'll never be 19 again.

Ok this blogpost is not going to be about him, it's gonna be about me. in life we make choices. and as much as we think we don't have a choice in somethings, we always do. we can choose to be sad or we can choose to be happy. we can choose to fight for what we want or we can choose to let it go. i used to think that if you fought hard enough you would get whatever it was that you were fighting to keep. but now i realise that that isn't the case. you can keep fighting and still be stuck at the same point forever because it's not about how hard you're fighting. it's about what you're fighting for. why fight for something that isn't meant to be and why fight for someone who doesn't want to be there? it's all about choices. somethings we want but we know we shouldn't choose. so in the end, we need to learn to say enough is enough and walk away.

"wake me up, say enough is enough. i'm dying to live, something's gotta give."

Happiness is a choice. There are many things that can make you happy because after all you were happy without him before and you'll be happy without him again. don't focus on what you lost, focus on what you have. you may think that you've lost a lot be really you've only lost one year of your life. and you're gonna have many more to come. so don't dwell on the past because you don't live there anymore. do things that make you happy because that's the only thing that's important. i used to think that i never deserved to be happy. and i used to hate myself. but now i don't because i know myself better and i know what i want. and i just want to be happy. 

PFP used to be a dream. it was everything i ever wanted and i used to always go back to the memories that i had there. i guess it's just kind of different now. i don't hate it... it's just too painful. everything that made me happy then had something to do with him. and i don't miss feeling that way anymore. i don't miss the person i used to be. i don't miss the girl that was too afraid to do what she wanted because i couldn't be myself around the people he hung out with. i don't miss the girl that felt inferior to the "cool kids" just cause she thought they were better than her. i don't miss the girl that had to be whoever everyone wanted her to be. and i definitely don't miss the girl that had to push all her feelings down because his happiness was more important than her own. i don't miss the girl i used to be and i'm proud to say that i like who i am now. i like going crazy every once in awhile. i like going out and having a good time while actually still having some self control. i like talking to whoever i want. i like making new friends. i like meeting new people. i like doing things that people said i that i would never do. i still remember when people told me i would never survive in BSC or FO because i wasn't enough of a "camp" person. and how people told me that i wasn't enthu enough or that i was too "awkward" to do it. well obviously i'm doing something right because i think i might actually be signing up for SL camp oops. HAHAHA i don't miss the person i used to be and everyone else can SUCK IT.

omg my cramps are killing me rn but i'm fighting through the pain well done lex keep going. cause you're gonna be just fine.

I'd rather be broken hearted than a heartbreaker. the last thing i want is to hurt anyone and to pull them into things that they don't deserve to be in. 

a note to anyone that wants to stay:

i am about as messed up as it gets. i cry at the stupidest things and i overthink way too much. i will make something out of nothing and push aside the things that do matter because sometimes i feel like i don't deserve it. i push down all my feelings and i will never be able to tell you the things that are one my mind. my head is just a big bowl of spaghetti and i'm still trying to untangle it. don't try to fix me either. i know you want to help but this is something that i've got to do on my own. i've got to fix myself so that no one else will ever have to do it for me again. if you do decide to stay tho then thank u. but if you don't, i understand. and i won't hold it against you. i wouldn't have stayed with me either hahaha i'm really not worth it trust me, i know.

I guess in the end i still find myself smiling every time i see you having fun or doing something that u like. i don't do it because i'm trying to be a good person or because i still want you. i think i do it because in the end, that's what you deserve too. your life isn't perfect and i know you have ur struggles too but just remember to do what you love. don't let go of your passion and just be happy. because that's all i've ever wanted, and it's all i'll ever want for you.

No matter how much you want too, don't ever go back to the past. you don't belong there anymore and you deserve so much more.

all you had to do was stay

we want to go back but we know that we shouldn't.
and now i'm sure that i won't.
there's no point living in the past.
i've learned a lot in the last month and one of these things was to let go.
and i'm ready to let go.
whatever happens, remember to keep your head up, smile, and walk away.
no hard feelings.
pick up the pieces and become whole again.
you'll be fine, you always land on your feet.

"roses die, so let them"

People like you always want back the love they gave away
And people like me wanna believe you when you say you've changed
The more I think about it now the less I know
All I know is that you drove us off the road
Stay
Hey, all you had to do was stay
Had me in the palm of your hand
Then why'd you have to go and lock me out when I let you in
Stay, hey, now you say you want it
Back now that it's just too late
Well, it could've been easy
All you had to do was stay
All you had to do was stay
All you had to do was stay
All you had to do was stay
All you had to do was stay

Here you are now, calling me up, but I don't know what to say
I've been picking up the pieces of the mess you made
People like you always want back the love they pushed aside
But people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye

Stay
Hey, all you had to do was stay
Had me in the palm of your hand
Then why'd you have to go and lock me out when I let you in
Stay, hey, now you say you want it
Back now that it's just too late
Well, it could've been easy
All you had to do was stay
All you had to do was stay
All you had to do was stay
All you had to do was stay

Let me remind
You this was what you wanted
You ended it
You were all I wanted
But not like this
Not like this
Not like this
Oh, all you had to do was stay

Hey, all you had to do was stay
Had me in the palm of your hand
Then why'd you have to go and lock me out when I let you in
Stay, hey, now you say you want it
Back now that it's just too late
Well, it could've been easy
All you had to do was stay

Hey, all you had to do was stay
Had me in the palm of your hand
Then why'd you have to go and lock me out when I let you in
Stay, hey, now you say you want it
Back now that it's just too late
Well, it could've been easy
All you had to do was stay

All you had to do was stay
All you had to do was stay
All you had to do was stay
All you had to do was stay

2014

A few more hours and it'll be 2015.

i don't really know what to say i just kind of can't sleep so yeah. even tho the last month or so has been utter shit i can't exactly say that 2014 sucked because it didn't. i had some pretty amazing memories this year. and of course some pretty shitty ones too. 

i've got one last day to fix everything.

but how exactly do i decide what and what isn't worth fixing. there are so many things that are just in pieces right now but maybe some of those things are probably meant to remain as nothing more than broken pieces. some things i can't fix and some things i can. some things i don't want to fix and others i know i shouldn't fix. some things are just better left broken. because we can't keep running back to the past. no matter how tempting it may be. and right now, i want nothing more than to have the past back. but where would it go from there? no matter how many times i look at it the outcome is still the same. and it's taken me so long to get to this point where i just don't miss you anymore.

"i guess you know it's over when you miss the memories more than the person standing in front of you."

but this year wasn't all bad. you win some, you lose some. and i guess one of the things that i won was tesia. yes boob u. it's been a long time since i could talk to freely with someone about anything and everything. i never expected to meet someone like you when i came into year one but i did and i'll always treasure you. i know it's hard now and we're both going through the same things but if u stop me from doing pathetic shit, i'll stop u from doing the same hahahaha. just know that he didn't just lose u. he lost someone who really loved him and someone who would have never left him no matter what. and it may seem terrible now cause all you want to do is go back to him but don't give up. because in the end you'll be on top and he'll be the one swimming in his shallow little hole of regret :) he lost u and don't you ever think that it's the other way around. you're better than him and he doesn't deserve you.

looking back i wonder if i was being faithful or stupid. because after all i was the girl that would have never left. no matter how bad it got and no matter how miserable i was i never left. and now that it's over i honestly believe that the reason was because i thought that i would never find someone else as "good" or "perfect" as he was. i stayed because i thought that no one else would come. wow that's pathetic. but now that it's over i guess i don't feel that way anymore. him not loving me was the beginning of me loving myself. sure i still feel sad but i'm not miserable and i don't feel like i'm going to die. i'm finding ways to make myself happy. because i know that that's something that i haven't felt in a long time. i'm not perfect, or even good for that matter, and i don't deserve half the things that i have but i do deserve to be happy. and right now i want to make my own happiness. because i just don't need you anymore.

"don't wait for boys to make u smile, find your own happiness."

it's always easier to look at all the bad things in 2014. like whenever i think of this year i guess i'll always remember my first heartbreak. but then again i can't say this year sucked cause it was also my first valentines day and i guess it was also my first real "i love u". see that's what makes it so complicated. i want to hate 2014 but then again i can't. because i'm trying so hard to look at the bright side of things. no matter how bad things get, just don't forget to remember the good things too. everything happens for a reason, and everything makes you stronger.

yknow when someone asked me on my ask.fm if i was over him i kinda just panicked for a minute. cause i didn't know the answer either. and then of course i ended up asking tesia what to reply and she came up with extremely stupid answers like "highly probably" smh i nearly died when i saw that HAHAHA. but i guess it really wasn't up until that point that i realised that i was kind of over him. it didn't hurt seeing him with someone else. and i didn't die inside everytime i saw his posts on instagram. it didn't affect me like it used to and i guess that's what it means to move on. i remember when we first broke up i actually googled "how to get over someone" because that was how desperately i wanted to forget him smh i was dumb HAHAHAHA. then again i am kinda proud of myself. i didn't need clubs or alcohol or cigarettes or all that other shit (that people told me to try) to get over him. and i sure as hell did not need other guys. i did it by myself and i guess that's why it feels so much better now. it sucked at first but once u get through it, you'll know that you're gonna be just fine.

i guess another really good thing that happened in 2014 was CMM. i'm so grateful for everyone that i met in this course and i really can't express how thankful i am for them. especially groots. when i spent a good week and a half crying and almost dying they were the ones who were there all the way and i really appreciate them. y'all are assholes and burdens and most of the time i do want to kill u but deep down i love y'all and i wouldn't give you guys up for anything. also really grateful that CMM pretty much kept me occupied the whole holidays so i didn't really have much time to sit at home and overthink HAHAHA. and also it really gave me a lot of amazing opportunities to meet new people and experience new things. i guess i'm just really thankful that it helped me go on with my life. and become someone else. 

change the parts of yourself that you can't accept. and accept the parts that you can't change. after about 6 months of procrastinating i finally bleached and dip dyed my hair purple hahaha. idk i'm just really not complete without colour in my hair. i've wanted to do it for such a long time but as pathetic as it sounds, i didn't because he didn't like it. and i just wanted nothing more than to fit his idea of a "perfect girl". it's kind of poetic really. i bleached and cut away the parts of me that loved him, to make room for the parts of me that are new. i don't think i've really changed that much. i've just become more open. idk why but i just feel free now. like i can do so many things that i couldn't do before. i'm not a different person. i'm just a better one.

this post is turning out really long and i'm too lazy to proof read it smh. i guess 2014 has been one hell of a ride. i loved some parts of it and i hated others. some parts excited me and others made me want to die. but i guess in the end we still have to find ways to enjoy the ride. no matter how hard or scary it may be.

new year's resolution:

1. get ur life together (it may have fallen apart but you're strong enough to put it back together now)

2. stop letting people define u (find your own happiness)

3. go to the gym more (if u want the body, work for it)

4. just be happy (because u deserve it)

- read whenever u feel like giving up -

i know it's hard and i know u really don't want to do this anymore. but before you throw it all away, remember how far you've come. remember how much stronger u are than before. don't give up now because you've worked way too hard and cried way too much for it all to come down to nothing. you don't need anyone in your life that doesn't want to be there. and u sure as hell don't need any guy to make u happy. it'll get better. trust me. i know it seems impossible but it's not. and when the worst is finally over, you'll thank me for this. good luck.

"keep ur head up little fighter, things will get brighter"

you're gonna be just fine

Well this post has been long overdue/ procrastinated. i legit wanted to blog like before my holidays started but i decided to actually get my shit together for once and study hahahaha. just got back from phuket and that getaway was just what i needed.

it's been a month and i'm doing just fine.

idk i'm ok i guess. i'm not totally ok i'm just ok? make sense? no? ok. sigh i thought when i saw him with someone else it would hurt more but it doesn't. it actually kinda makes me feel better. idk why but it just does. the more he's not mine the more i don't want him. and i guess that's a good thing. is this what it's like to have moved on? hahahaha i like it. it's less depressing. 

sometimes you want to know things but then again you don't want to know it too cause it kinda hurts but then the curiosity starts to hurt more and you finally do find out and then u realise.....

EVERYTHING IS A JOKE AND U SHOULD JUST LAUGH.

because ya that's what i did i laughed HAHAHA. it's kinda like i know i'm suppose to be upset and shit but it's so stupid that if i do end up feeling upset i might have to kill myself because i would have sunk to THAT level of pathetic-ness (not a word but let's pretend) so ya. i am so sick of having to be the one that "acts mature" or "gives in" or "does the right thing" like no. i get to be a bitch about this too ok. like i kinda feel bad about not feeling bad but then again u knew what u were getting urself into and stilllllll..... so ur just stupid and i'm sorry but i just don't feel bad for u. yep. omg this blog post is so far off from all my previous ones but no. i am done trying to please everyone else i want to be happy too and i know i don't deserve a lot of things but i know that i deserve at least that.

actually i kinda don't know what i want to say anymore. i guess i just needed to tell myself here that i'm fine now. and that i've been fine this whole time. because no matter how bad it might have felt the worst is over. and it'll only get better. 

people change and roses die.

(( even the stupid fake ones ))

so smile
and walk away 

because the hardest part is over
and you're still just fine my dear

###

little do you know

Because this was just everything i wanted to say.

And everything i wanted to hear.

Little do you know
How I'm breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I'm still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece
Little do you know
I need a little more time

Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside
I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight

Little do you know
I need a little more time

I'll wait, I'll wait
I love you like you've never felt the pain,
I'll wait
I promise you don't have to be afraid,
I'll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

Little do you know
I know you're hurting while I'm sound asleep
Little do you know
All my mistakes are slowly drowning me
Little do you know
I'm trying to make it better piece by piece

Little do you know
I love you 'til the sun dies

Oh wait, just wait
I love you like I've never felt the pain,
Just wait
I love you like I've never been afraid,
Just wait
Our love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

I'll wait, I'll wait
I love you like you've never felt the pain,
I'll wait
I promise you don't have to be afraid,
I'll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me
Lay your head on me
So lay your head on me

'Cause little do you know
I, I love you 'til the sun dies

caroline

So. what exactly happens now?

Things have gotten better. i can eat again. and i don't have to take pills to fall asleep. omg and i know it sounds like i've turned into some depressed druggy but i swear it's not like that. firstly, everyone thinks that i haven't been eating cause i'm depressed and sad and shit but pls. i really am trying to eat. like the other day i bought a $6 plate of rice and just ended up taking two bites and throwing the rest away. it isn't as if i'm forcing myself not to eat or something it's just kinda like i want to eat but i just can't. as for the meds i guess i don't really have an excuse. i just didn't want to be awake at night with my thoughts i guess. 

One thing that i absolutely hate is how everyone just assumes that i'm helpless. bitch pls i can handle myself. 

Everyone acts as if i'll die without him and that i'll never move on like stop just shut up. it's so frustrating. everyone acts as if he's the only one that's allowed to move on as if i'm suppose to sit here and cry for another 8 months before i get my shit together. HA. no thank u. please let me explain because if i don't i'll never find peace (even tho no one is prolly gonna ever read this). even tho he was the one that initiated the break up, i already knew months before that it was the best thing for both of us. both because of religion and because of the fact that i don't think we were just meant to last. idk i guess it was just a gut feeling but i knew it was gonna end. i guess i just didn't do it earlier because i kinda forgot how to live without him. but now i remember. and i know that everything is gonna be just fine.

"some people were meant to fall in love but not meant to be together."

so when he did break up with me, i'll be honest with you. i didn't cry the night we broke up. yeah i sat in my room all night. in the dark. refusing to come out. but i didn't cry. yes i was pissed and yes i did hate him at that point in time but a part of me was kinda relived. i mean it was finally over. what many people don't know was all the stress that i was under. the stress of keeping my parents happy. keeping my cell leader happy. keeping my friends happy and keeping him happy. i guess that all just made me very unhappy. and now that it's all over and i've pretty much pulled myself together, i'm actually, finally, happy. sure i still miss texting him and seeing him and sometimes it breaks my heart when he talks to other girls but now i just feel free. i can do whatever i want. talk to whoever i want. be whoever i want. i mean i can be anybody now because there isn't anyone to tell me who i should be and who they want me to be. i don't have to please anyone and i don't have to live up to anyone's expectations.

Awkward is life. and if i couldn't relate to it enough before, i definitely could relate to it now. i guess that one thing that i've noticed more and the one thing that i really want is the matty and jenna relationship. i've never seen anything wrong with just being friends with your ex. cause in the end, the relationship was fun. and i guess that was just all it was meant to be. pure fun. but once it's over, i don't understand why people can't just go back to how they were before? what's so hard about being friends? and what's the point of telling me that we can still smile and say hi whenever we see each other when everytime we do see each other you just pretend that i'm not there? sigh i guess it did kind of bother me at first but now... not so much. why should i try if you don't want to? 

I'm not saying that i'm a hundred percent over him and that i'm not gonna miss him and all that shitzzz. i mean even tho i didn't cry on the first night, i completely broke down on the second day. it was pathetic and really quite humiliating. there's really nothing i hate more than having people watch me cry. but i guess i've just come to the conclusion that crying was just what i needed. in the past, i used to hold everything in. because i was scared that people would judge me for the things that i was trying to hide. because i thought that people would judge my secrets. but for him, i just needed to cry it out. i just needed to get him out of my system and that's exactly what i did. people may see me crying as a form of ,as i quote, "not being able to get over him" or "wanting him back" but to me, it was really more of a "letting him go". now and again i do feel like crying but i guess that's ok. he was my first love. and as much as i hate to admit it, he broke my heart. but i'm not going to wait around for some other guy to fix it for me. i'll fix it myself.

blogging does wonders for the soul. a month ago i would never have dared to blog like this because i used to be scared that he would find my posts and read all the things that he did to make me upset sometimes. because that's what i did. i pushed down all the problems that we had so that the relationship could keep on going. but now... now i just feel free. i can say what i want and i don't care if anyone sees it (still not gonna spread my blog URL tho)

i guess another good thing that came out of this break up was that i fixed a lot of other stuff too. i always used to blog about how i've lost so many people and how i've pushed so many others away just cause i wanted to keep him. but now, i guess i've finally found a way to get all those relationships back. and better still i found a way to grow closer to the friends that i already had in the first place. honestly groots and qt were the only people getting me through this entire thing and i'm pretty sure that without them, i'd still be sobbing into my pillow right about now. when God closes one door, He always opens another. i don't regret him. and i don't hate him. he'll always be my first love and up till the way he broke up with me, he was the perfect first. and no matter what happened or happens after that, i'm just gonna let bygones be bygones and remember the boy i fell in love with. even if he isn't that boy anymore. there's no point in holding onto the painful memories. it's time i stopped trying to please everyone else and do something for myself. 

it's time to be happy.

- this week's tvd episode -

(and also because caroline perfectly describes how i've felt the whole of last week)

Caroline: "because,"

Caroline: "and i deserve better than that."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

goodbye

I really don't know what to say now. and i really don't know what to do. everyone tells me that i should be angry but i'm not. i'm just really sad. at first i was sad that it's over but now... not so much. i still love him. but this is for the best. and i may not want to believe it now but one day i'll look back and read this and laugh at how stupid i was. but until then, i'll just blog.

"that boy you're in love with at 18 may seem like your whole world, but he won't matter when you're 30."

 I guess i was kinda angry at first. but it wasn't cause he was breaking up with me. i wasn't trying to stop him from breaking up with me. i was trying to stop him from doing it over the phone. i didn't believe a lot of things that he said to me after the first time we broke up but the one thing i did believe was that he would never break up with me over the phone. and when people asked why all i could say was that he just got tired of me. because that's what he told me. he told me that he would never do that unless he just didn't care anymore. and i guess that's the thing that hurts the most. all i know is that somewhere along the way i messed up or i just wasn't enough for him anymore. as naive as it is a part of me kind of wishes that he was being so crude and cruel because he wanted me to forget him and get over him quicker. and that he was doing it because it would be easier for me to move on if i was angry at him. but then again, another part of me kinda just knows that what he said in that text was probably the truth. and that he really didn't care anymore and that i was just another name that he could add onto his list. i was just like the rest.

I never understood how two people who once loved each other so much could just suddenly stop. and i still don't. like how could people who loved each other enough to get married suddenly want a divorce? because at one point in their lives that was what they wanted. they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. so how does love like that just stop? i guess it's just hard now because he's the first guy i was ever with. he was my first everything. 

"and your first love stays with you forever."

I used to think that that sounded beautiful. and i still do. but right now i don't want to feel like this forever. i just feel stupid and pathetic and i just wished that i didn't care.

I cleared him out of my room yesterday and packed everything in a box. but i read all his letter again. just one last time. he wrote things like how he never wanted us to end and how he'd always fight for me. and there was a time when i did believe all those words. then i found the letter that i wrote him on our 300 day but i forgot to give it to him and then i felt even stupider. because again there was a time that i loved him that much. enough to write those words and actually mean it. because that's the truth. 

i loved him.

I guess in the last few days i kinda knew what i was doing. it was self sabotage. i was pulling away because i could feel that something was wrong and i somehow knew that it was going to end. but i wanted to be the one to be in control because that's what i always do. i ruin every good thing that has ever happened to me because i don't know if i deserve it. for a good 10 months i felt like the luckiest girl in the world and i never knew what i did to deserve it. then when he broke up with me the first time it hurt so much more. it was like the universe was punishing me for every bad thing that i had ever done. and then after we got back together i started punishing myself. i would re read the messages that he sent me the night we broke up over and over again because i didn't want to forget the way it felt. so if it every happened again at least i wouldn't be so helpless. wow it just sounds crazy now saying it out loud but that was the truth. i was punishing myself because i didn't think i deserved to be happy. it was self sabotage because i pulled away first and then i guess he just got tired of my shit. i mean honestly, i would too.

I'm trying to move on but it's just hard. i was so messed up before him and he kinda glued me back together. and for a long time i was genuinely happy. but now he's gone. and i don't want to feel that way anymore. i want to be able to hold myself together without anyone's help. i don't ever want to be that dependent on a person ever again. and eventually i know i'll fix myself. just maybe not tonight.

As of now i guess i still love him. but i'm ok with that. i guess i'm not like those people. i can't just stop loving someone over night. but eventually i know i'll move on. and i'll be ok. i love him but i don't want what we had back. it was just too painful. i'll never regret him tho because at one point in time, he was exactly what i wanted.

"We can't keep running back to the past because it's familiar. if we keep doing that then we'll never move forward. and we'll never be able to read the next chapter"