2014

A few more hours and it'll be 2015.

i don't really know what to say i just kind of can't sleep so yeah. even tho the last month or so has been utter shit i can't exactly say that 2014 sucked because it didn't. i had some pretty amazing memories this year. and of course some pretty shitty ones too. 

i've got one last day to fix everything.

but how exactly do i decide what and what isn't worth fixing. there are so many things that are just in pieces right now but maybe some of those things are probably meant to remain as nothing more than broken pieces. some things i can't fix and some things i can. some things i don't want to fix and others i know i shouldn't fix. some things are just better left broken. because we can't keep running back to the past. no matter how tempting it may be. and right now, i want nothing more than to have the past back. but where would it go from there? no matter how many times i look at it the outcome is still the same. and it's taken me so long to get to this point where i just don't miss you anymore.

"i guess you know it's over when you miss the memories more than the person standing in front of you."

but this year wasn't all bad. you win some, you lose some. and i guess one of the things that i won was tesia. yes boob u. it's been a long time since i could talk to freely with someone about anything and everything. i never expected to meet someone like you when i came into year one but i did and i'll always treasure you. i know it's hard now and we're both going through the same things but if u stop me from doing pathetic shit, i'll stop u from doing the same hahahaha. just know that he didn't just lose u. he lost someone who really loved him and someone who would have never left him no matter what. and it may seem terrible now cause all you want to do is go back to him but don't give up. because in the end you'll be on top and he'll be the one swimming in his shallow little hole of regret :) he lost u and don't you ever think that it's the other way around. you're better than him and he doesn't deserve you.

looking back i wonder if i was being faithful or stupid. because after all i was the girl that would have never left. no matter how bad it got and no matter how miserable i was i never left. and now that it's over i honestly believe that the reason was because i thought that i would never find someone else as "good" or "perfect" as he was. i stayed because i thought that no one else would come. wow that's pathetic. but now that it's over i guess i don't feel that way anymore. him not loving me was the beginning of me loving myself. sure i still feel sad but i'm not miserable and i don't feel like i'm going to die. i'm finding ways to make myself happy. because i know that that's something that i haven't felt in a long time. i'm not perfect, or even good for that matter, and i don't deserve half the things that i have but i do deserve to be happy. and right now i want to make my own happiness. because i just don't need you anymore.

"don't wait for boys to make u smile, find your own happiness."

it's always easier to look at all the bad things in 2014. like whenever i think of this year i guess i'll always remember my first heartbreak. but then again i can't say this year sucked cause it was also my first valentines day and i guess it was also my first real "i love u". see that's what makes it so complicated. i want to hate 2014 but then again i can't. because i'm trying so hard to look at the bright side of things. no matter how bad things get, just don't forget to remember the good things too. everything happens for a reason, and everything makes you stronger.

yknow when someone asked me on my ask.fm if i was over him i kinda just panicked for a minute. cause i didn't know the answer either. and then of course i ended up asking tesia what to reply and she came up with extremely stupid answers like "highly probably" smh i nearly died when i saw that HAHAHA. but i guess it really wasn't up until that point that i realised that i was kind of over him. it didn't hurt seeing him with someone else. and i didn't die inside everytime i saw his posts on instagram. it didn't affect me like it used to and i guess that's what it means to move on. i remember when we first broke up i actually googled "how to get over someone" because that was how desperately i wanted to forget him smh i was dumb HAHAHAHA. then again i am kinda proud of myself. i didn't need clubs or alcohol or cigarettes or all that other shit (that people told me to try) to get over him. and i sure as hell did not need other guys. i did it by myself and i guess that's why it feels so much better now. it sucked at first but once u get through it, you'll know that you're gonna be just fine.

i guess another really good thing that happened in 2014 was CMM. i'm so grateful for everyone that i met in this course and i really can't express how thankful i am for them. especially groots. when i spent a good week and a half crying and almost dying they were the ones who were there all the way and i really appreciate them. y'all are assholes and burdens and most of the time i do want to kill u but deep down i love y'all and i wouldn't give you guys up for anything. also really grateful that CMM pretty much kept me occupied the whole holidays so i didn't really have much time to sit at home and overthink HAHAHA. and also it really gave me a lot of amazing opportunities to meet new people and experience new things. i guess i'm just really thankful that it helped me go on with my life. and become someone else. 

change the parts of yourself that you can't accept. and accept the parts that you can't change. after about 6 months of procrastinating i finally bleached and dip dyed my hair purple hahaha. idk i'm just really not complete without colour in my hair. i've wanted to do it for such a long time but as pathetic as it sounds, i didn't because he didn't like it. and i just wanted nothing more than to fit his idea of a "perfect girl". it's kind of poetic really. i bleached and cut away the parts of me that loved him, to make room for the parts of me that are new. i don't think i've really changed that much. i've just become more open. idk why but i just feel free now. like i can do so many things that i couldn't do before. i'm not a different person. i'm just a better one.

this post is turning out really long and i'm too lazy to proof read it smh. i guess 2014 has been one hell of a ride. i loved some parts of it and i hated others. some parts excited me and others made me want to die. but i guess in the end we still have to find ways to enjoy the ride. no matter how hard or scary it may be.

new year's resolution:

1. get ur life together (it may have fallen apart but you're strong enough to put it back together now)

2. stop letting people define u (find your own happiness)

3. go to the gym more (if u want the body, work for it)

4. just be happy (because u deserve it)

- read whenever u feel like giving up -

i know it's hard and i know u really don't want to do this anymore. but before you throw it all away, remember how far you've come. remember how much stronger u are than before. don't give up now because you've worked way too hard and cried way too much for it all to come down to nothing. you don't need anyone in your life that doesn't want to be there. and u sure as hell don't need any guy to make u happy. it'll get better. trust me. i know it seems impossible but it's not. and when the worst is finally over, you'll thank me for this. good luck.

"keep ur head up little fighter, things will get brighter"

you're gonna be just fine

Well this post has been long overdue/ procrastinated. i legit wanted to blog like before my holidays started but i decided to actually get my shit together for once and study hahahaha. just got back from phuket and that getaway was just what i needed.

it's been a month and i'm doing just fine.

idk i'm ok i guess. i'm not totally ok i'm just ok? make sense? no? ok. sigh i thought when i saw him with someone else it would hurt more but it doesn't. it actually kinda makes me feel better. idk why but it just does. the more he's not mine the more i don't want him. and i guess that's a good thing. is this what it's like to have moved on? hahahaha i like it. it's less depressing. 

sometimes you want to know things but then again you don't want to know it too cause it kinda hurts but then the curiosity starts to hurt more and you finally do find out and then u realise.....

EVERYTHING IS A JOKE AND U SHOULD JUST LAUGH.

because ya that's what i did i laughed HAHAHA. it's kinda like i know i'm suppose to be upset and shit but it's so stupid that if i do end up feeling upset i might have to kill myself because i would have sunk to THAT level of pathetic-ness (not a word but let's pretend) so ya. i am so sick of having to be the one that "acts mature" or "gives in" or "does the right thing" like no. i get to be a bitch about this too ok. like i kinda feel bad about not feeling bad but then again u knew what u were getting urself into and stilllllll..... so ur just stupid and i'm sorry but i just don't feel bad for u. yep. omg this blog post is so far off from all my previous ones but no. i am done trying to please everyone else i want to be happy too and i know i don't deserve a lot of things but i know that i deserve at least that.

actually i kinda don't know what i want to say anymore. i guess i just needed to tell myself here that i'm fine now. and that i've been fine this whole time. because no matter how bad it might have felt the worst is over. and it'll only get better. 

people change and roses die.

(( even the stupid fake ones ))

so smile
and walk away 

because the hardest part is over
and you're still just fine my dear

###

little do you know

Because this was just everything i wanted to say.

And everything i wanted to hear.

Little do you know
How I'm breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I'm still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece
Little do you know
I need a little more time

Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside
I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight

Little do you know
I need a little more time

I'll wait, I'll wait
I love you like you've never felt the pain,
I'll wait
I promise you don't have to be afraid,
I'll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

Little do you know
I know you're hurting while I'm sound asleep
Little do you know
All my mistakes are slowly drowning me
Little do you know
I'm trying to make it better piece by piece

Little do you know
I love you 'til the sun dies

Oh wait, just wait
I love you like I've never felt the pain,
Just wait
I love you like I've never been afraid,
Just wait
Our love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

I'll wait, I'll wait
I love you like you've never felt the pain,
I'll wait
I promise you don't have to be afraid,
I'll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me
Lay your head on me
So lay your head on me

'Cause little do you know
I, I love you 'til the sun dies

caroline

So. what exactly happens now?

Things have gotten better. i can eat again. and i don't have to take pills to fall asleep. omg and i know it sounds like i've turned into some depressed druggy but i swear it's not like that. firstly, everyone thinks that i haven't been eating cause i'm depressed and sad and shit but pls. i really am trying to eat. like the other day i bought a $6 plate of rice and just ended up taking two bites and throwing the rest away. it isn't as if i'm forcing myself not to eat or something it's just kinda like i want to eat but i just can't. as for the meds i guess i don't really have an excuse. i just didn't want to be awake at night with my thoughts i guess. 

One thing that i absolutely hate is how everyone just assumes that i'm helpless. bitch pls i can handle myself. 

Everyone acts as if i'll die without him and that i'll never move on like stop just shut up. it's so frustrating. everyone acts as if he's the only one that's allowed to move on as if i'm suppose to sit here and cry for another 8 months before i get my shit together. HA. no thank u. please let me explain because if i don't i'll never find peace (even tho no one is prolly gonna ever read this). even tho he was the one that initiated the break up, i already knew months before that it was the best thing for both of us. both because of religion and because of the fact that i don't think we were just meant to last. idk i guess it was just a gut feeling but i knew it was gonna end. i guess i just didn't do it earlier because i kinda forgot how to live without him. but now i remember. and i know that everything is gonna be just fine.

"some people were meant to fall in love but not meant to be together."

so when he did break up with me, i'll be honest with you. i didn't cry the night we broke up. yeah i sat in my room all night. in the dark. refusing to come out. but i didn't cry. yes i was pissed and yes i did hate him at that point in time but a part of me was kinda relived. i mean it was finally over. what many people don't know was all the stress that i was under. the stress of keeping my parents happy. keeping my cell leader happy. keeping my friends happy and keeping him happy. i guess that all just made me very unhappy. and now that it's all over and i've pretty much pulled myself together, i'm actually, finally, happy. sure i still miss texting him and seeing him and sometimes it breaks my heart when he talks to other girls but now i just feel free. i can do whatever i want. talk to whoever i want. be whoever i want. i mean i can be anybody now because there isn't anyone to tell me who i should be and who they want me to be. i don't have to please anyone and i don't have to live up to anyone's expectations.

Awkward is life. and if i couldn't relate to it enough before, i definitely could relate to it now. i guess that one thing that i've noticed more and the one thing that i really want is the matty and jenna relationship. i've never seen anything wrong with just being friends with your ex. cause in the end, the relationship was fun. and i guess that was just all it was meant to be. pure fun. but once it's over, i don't understand why people can't just go back to how they were before? what's so hard about being friends? and what's the point of telling me that we can still smile and say hi whenever we see each other when everytime we do see each other you just pretend that i'm not there? sigh i guess it did kind of bother me at first but now... not so much. why should i try if you don't want to? 

I'm not saying that i'm a hundred percent over him and that i'm not gonna miss him and all that shitzzz. i mean even tho i didn't cry on the first night, i completely broke down on the second day. it was pathetic and really quite humiliating. there's really nothing i hate more than having people watch me cry. but i guess i've just come to the conclusion that crying was just what i needed. in the past, i used to hold everything in. because i was scared that people would judge me for the things that i was trying to hide. because i thought that people would judge my secrets. but for him, i just needed to cry it out. i just needed to get him out of my system and that's exactly what i did. people may see me crying as a form of ,as i quote, "not being able to get over him" or "wanting him back" but to me, it was really more of a "letting him go". now and again i do feel like crying but i guess that's ok. he was my first love. and as much as i hate to admit it, he broke my heart. but i'm not going to wait around for some other guy to fix it for me. i'll fix it myself.

blogging does wonders for the soul. a month ago i would never have dared to blog like this because i used to be scared that he would find my posts and read all the things that he did to make me upset sometimes. because that's what i did. i pushed down all the problems that we had so that the relationship could keep on going. but now... now i just feel free. i can say what i want and i don't care if anyone sees it (still not gonna spread my blog URL tho)

i guess another good thing that came out of this break up was that i fixed a lot of other stuff too. i always used to blog about how i've lost so many people and how i've pushed so many others away just cause i wanted to keep him. but now, i guess i've finally found a way to get all those relationships back. and better still i found a way to grow closer to the friends that i already had in the first place. honestly groots and qt were the only people getting me through this entire thing and i'm pretty sure that without them, i'd still be sobbing into my pillow right about now. when God closes one door, He always opens another. i don't regret him. and i don't hate him. he'll always be my first love and up till the way he broke up with me, he was the perfect first. and no matter what happened or happens after that, i'm just gonna let bygones be bygones and remember the boy i fell in love with. even if he isn't that boy anymore. there's no point in holding onto the painful memories. it's time i stopped trying to please everyone else and do something for myself. 

it's time to be happy.

- this week's tvd episode -

(and also because caroline perfectly describes how i've felt the whole of last week)

Caroline: "because,"

Caroline: "and i deserve better than that."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

goodbye

I really don't know what to say now. and i really don't know what to do. everyone tells me that i should be angry but i'm not. i'm just really sad. at first i was sad that it's over but now... not so much. i still love him. but this is for the best. and i may not want to believe it now but one day i'll look back and read this and laugh at how stupid i was. but until then, i'll just blog.

"that boy you're in love with at 18 may seem like your whole world, but he won't matter when you're 30."

 I guess i was kinda angry at first. but it wasn't cause he was breaking up with me. i wasn't trying to stop him from breaking up with me. i was trying to stop him from doing it over the phone. i didn't believe a lot of things that he said to me after the first time we broke up but the one thing i did believe was that he would never break up with me over the phone. and when people asked why all i could say was that he just got tired of me. because that's what he told me. he told me that he would never do that unless he just didn't care anymore. and i guess that's the thing that hurts the most. all i know is that somewhere along the way i messed up or i just wasn't enough for him anymore. as naive as it is a part of me kind of wishes that he was being so crude and cruel because he wanted me to forget him and get over him quicker. and that he was doing it because it would be easier for me to move on if i was angry at him. but then again, another part of me kinda just knows that what he said in that text was probably the truth. and that he really didn't care anymore and that i was just another name that he could add onto his list. i was just like the rest.

I never understood how two people who once loved each other so much could just suddenly stop. and i still don't. like how could people who loved each other enough to get married suddenly want a divorce? because at one point in their lives that was what they wanted. they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. so how does love like that just stop? i guess it's just hard now because he's the first guy i was ever with. he was my first everything. 

"and your first love stays with you forever."

I used to think that that sounded beautiful. and i still do. but right now i don't want to feel like this forever. i just feel stupid and pathetic and i just wished that i didn't care.

I cleared him out of my room yesterday and packed everything in a box. but i read all his letter again. just one last time. he wrote things like how he never wanted us to end and how he'd always fight for me. and there was a time when i did believe all those words. then i found the letter that i wrote him on our 300 day but i forgot to give it to him and then i felt even stupider. because again there was a time that i loved him that much. enough to write those words and actually mean it. because that's the truth. 

i loved him.

I guess in the last few days i kinda knew what i was doing. it was self sabotage. i was pulling away because i could feel that something was wrong and i somehow knew that it was going to end. but i wanted to be the one to be in control because that's what i always do. i ruin every good thing that has ever happened to me because i don't know if i deserve it. for a good 10 months i felt like the luckiest girl in the world and i never knew what i did to deserve it. then when he broke up with me the first time it hurt so much more. it was like the universe was punishing me for every bad thing that i had ever done. and then after we got back together i started punishing myself. i would re read the messages that he sent me the night we broke up over and over again because i didn't want to forget the way it felt. so if it every happened again at least i wouldn't be so helpless. wow it just sounds crazy now saying it out loud but that was the truth. i was punishing myself because i didn't think i deserved to be happy. it was self sabotage because i pulled away first and then i guess he just got tired of my shit. i mean honestly, i would too.

I'm trying to move on but it's just hard. i was so messed up before him and he kinda glued me back together. and for a long time i was genuinely happy. but now he's gone. and i don't want to feel that way anymore. i want to be able to hold myself together without anyone's help. i don't ever want to be that dependent on a person ever again. and eventually i know i'll fix myself. just maybe not tonight.

As of now i guess i still love him. but i'm ok with that. i guess i'm not like those people. i can't just stop loving someone over night. but eventually i know i'll move on. and i'll be ok. i love him but i don't want what we had back. it was just too painful. i'll never regret him tho because at one point in time, he was exactly what i wanted.

"We can't keep running back to the past because it's familiar. if we keep doing that then we'll never move forward. and we'll never be able to read the next chapter"

what about trust

If you pretend long enough, you'll be able to trick yourself into thinking that it's real. right? so how long more do i have to pretend for? because i can't keep doing this. i pretend i'm over it but i'm not. it still hurts and i can't stop thinking about it.

I finally understand what she meant. and how she felt.
i wish things would fix themselves and go back to the way they were but they aren't going to. no matter what i do or say. i can't keep tricking myself into thinking that nothing happened because it did. and i can't forget it. 

happy

What does it mean to be happy.

Sometimes, everything is alright. and you know that you should be happy but you just aren't. and you don't know why. is it just me? yes? ok. idk it's like something just feels all wrong even though everything is right. maybe it's a sign? maybe this is as far as it's suppose to go. i don't know. this is what's suppose to happen right? when everything just slows down and falls into place. but why does it seem like i've fallen out of place. it's so frustrating and i don't even know why. everything is right but i'm not. i don't know how to be happy even when i'm suppose to be. i'm really trying but i just can't.

it hurts you know. just feeling so alone. when everyone you've once been so close to just disappears. when you sit there just wanting to let it all out but you just have no one to talk to. it hurts. it's pathetic but it hurts. and then you try to think of ways to fix all the relationships that have broken but you know you just can't. cause it's over. wow this is depressing. i'm sorry to everyone for being such a terrible friend. i'm just a horrible person in general i mean i deserve this shit don't i. karma bitch. i try so hard but i can't fix it. it's stupid and pointless and i just don't know what to do anymore. i'm stuck.

is it fun? making people feel helpless. putting them impossible situations and then just telling them to figure it out. i mean sure as long as everyone else is happy it doesn't really matter what happens to me right? i'm a people pleaser. no matter how much i hate what you're making me do i will still try to do it. and if i can't, then i'll spend the next whole week feeling guilty about it so thank you for what you've done. because i totally needed more shit to deal with. well in case you haven't already noticed i'm pretty stocked up on the whole "shitty life" department. arg i feel so stupid for feeling the way i do now because it's not worth it and it's eating me alive. someone fix me. because i obviously can't fix myself.

literally just blogging in the dark with a roll of toilet paper next to me rn wow lex u r classy. i can't imagine myself staying but i also can't imagine myself leaving. one thing i do know is that i can't live like this forever. this is torture. but just because i let the new parts of my life go doesn't mean that i'll get the old ones back. but then again are they even worth getting back. time and time again i tell myself that they really aren't that important but then the minute i need a shoulder to cry my pathetic tears on it comes back to haunt me. arg crying. why do i keep crying. and for no good reason. this only real reason that i can really think of would be the fact that i'm just not happy. i should be but i'm just not. so what happens now. how do i fix this.

"why don't you just ask for help?"

if i could i would have. i can't just open up to anyone about my shit because idk... one, it feels weird and two, what if they just don't care. what if they just have better things to do then listen to my rants (which i have a lot of by the way). and even if i did find someone who would listen, where would i find the words? i can't say my problems out loud. that kinda just confirms that they're real and i very much like living in denial. story of my life. wow this is becoming such a pity sesh it's pathetic. i need to get my life together.

i miss the little things and i guess that's what affects me the most. remembering how things were in the past and just wishing that it would be the same now. but it isn't and i can't say or do anything about it cause... i don't know... isn't this just how it's all suppose to be? Ha and now we're right back where we started. so if this is the way that things are suppose to be, am i automatically expected to just accept it even tho i hate it? even tho it frustrates me and is mainly the reason why i feel like banging my head into a wall. i miss the way things used to be but i can't do anything about it. i mean i probably could but this is me we're talking about. and i hardly ever say anything much less try to make a point. i just accept how things are and try to make the best of it. and then i ask myself, "how now do i be happy."

but lately, that question is getting harder and harder to answer. everything is just as it's suppose to be. i'm suppose to be happy. but i'm not. and i don't know why.

it's just me. me and my stupid head.

things that piss me off

not really sure why i'm here rn because i don't even know what to say. is it wrong to be selfish sometimes. to want the best for yourself. and to want to actually be considered as important? i honestly don't know what frustrates me more. the fact that i'm just stuck like this now not knowing what to do, or the fact that i've lost so many people that i just have no one to turn to. it's sad isn't it. just suddenly realising that you have no one left because you've slowly pulled out of their lives be it whether you wanted to or not. and it's all your fault and there's probably nothing you can do about it. wow. that sucks. i like to be alone. but i don't like to feel alone. 

i'm sick and tired of being fitted into everyone's plan. don't make plans with everyone else and then just slot me in whenever you're free. no. if you want to see me then tell me and make plans with me. don't just hope that i'll be around every second of everyday just waiting for you to call. if you're too busy for me then just say it. i'll get over it. it's not that big of a deal. what hurts is the fact that i'm not even important enough for you to make plans with. since when did slotting me into your free time suddenly become ok? it frustrates me and honestly i'd rather not meet you at all then be some back up plan for you to use the minute you have nothing to do.

i take promises seriously. don't promise me something unless you're going to actually follow through with it. don't just say it and then forget about it. because i will remember it. and i will hold it against you. does that make me crazy? ok i swear i am that type of girl that will tell you that everything is fine but really it's not and i'm just holding it in because i'm not quite ready to let it out yet.

if you don't get what i mean, refer to number 8.

yes that is what i will do. butttt i won't exactly attack you with it i'll kind of just let it silently implode and then i'll forever hold it against you and you won't even know :") wow that sounds so sadistic hahahaha. omg i honestly don't even know where this is going. bottom line is, don't make empty promises cause it may look like nothings' wrong with really i'm kinda just decomposing inside. you feel? hope u feel. 

if something is wrong, you ask what's wrong. and if the person says that nothing's wrong, you let it go and move on. you do not pretend that nothing is wrong even tho you obviously can tell that something is very wrong. AND THE WORST PART is that when the person is confronted about it all they can say is like "oh i thought you wouldn't tell me even if i asked." well if you didn't ask then how would you know??? 

ps. pause here for a sec, all these points aren't pointed at anyone it's just based on what i've experienced and heard from others but,

carrying on, for all you freaking know that person that you thought "didn't want to talk about it" might have just needed someone to talk to and you were just being a lil piece of shit by playing the "i'm just gonna assume she'll get over it" card. hahahaha spare me. omg this is turning into a very heated rant.

another thing. sometimes i might be angry with you but i'll act like and say that i'm not NOT because i wanna keep it in and all that shit but because i've decided to try to be a decent person for once in my life and let it go. i don't really see the point in getting angry at every single thing that someone does to me so please do not, i repeat, DO NOT constantly question me about whether i'm still angry. and worst still after i say no, you carrying on asking me why i'm being so moody and shit like bitch leave me along i am trying to get over it. it does not just go away instantly it takes time for me to let it go completely so just let me be omg you have no idea how many times this has happened to me before. if you actually know me i don't get angry very often (being angry and annoyed is different pls i am constantly annoyed legit no lie) so if you think that i am angry, chances are that i'm either really not, or i'm getting over whatever you just did so leave me alone thank you.

HA ANOTHER THING THAT I HATE.

awkward is just life nuff said. 

RT THIS SO FREAKING MUCH. i have a very bad case of bitchy resting face syndrome. so even when i'm not doing anything, people just automatically assume that i'm glaring to staring at them or that i don't like them when in real life, i was just day dreaming. and worst still you go around telling everyone that i have a problem with you??? HAHAHA guess what? i'm currently building you a bridge so that you can get over yourself.

 (sorry i couldn't help it awkward describes my life HAHAHA)

There are just some people in my life who i just have no opinion about. it's not because i don't like them or anything it's just because they aren't that important to me that i would take the time to form my impression about them. or it could be that i also don't know them well enough to form an opinion about them. bottom line is that i know who they are and i know that they exist and that's enough for me. so please do not just assume that i automatically hate someone just cause i can't tell you if i like them or not because in all honesty i just don't care enough to go figure it out for myself. this is life.

 

omg my life is a messed i'm so annoyed with everyone and everything k bye. jk u thought my rant was over hahahahaha nope. ok this is kinda weird idk i hate it when people force me to do something and then after i do it they thank me for doing it like if you're gonna force me to do something that i don't want to do, just shut up about it afterwards. i know you're trying to be polite and shit but no. you already forced me to do something that i didn't want to so just stop. no amount of "thank you"s is gonna make it better just leave me alone. omg i'm so weird can everyone forget what you just read i need help.

arg.... stop pissing me off everything is just annoying me more and more by the second. i don't want to go. i really don't. but right now everything is making it easier for me to just walk away. nothing is stopping me and if nothing else does, i guess i just eventually will.

cool kids

dear judgmental people,

tell me please. why is it that you're so perfect and i'm not. please, do share your secrets because i would like to know just what rights you have to put me down. if you have nothing to say then shut up. who gave you the rights to judge the way i live my life? i would really like to know because i'm sick and tired of it. it may be easy for you to simply just blurt out something but before you do, is it really so hard to stop and think about what you're about to say? or are you really just that simple minded? if you want to judge me silently or behind my back then by all means. but the minute you say it to my face, then it's a whole different story. i'm not perfect and i've never tried to be. so why is it that some people just have to go around and make my flaws known to everyone else? i'm sorry i can't be like you. and i'm sorry i can't be who you want me to be. but i'm done trying to please people like you. in the end i'm the one that has to live with my decisions. i wish i cared about your opinions but the truth is that i just don't.

BSC

i honestly don't really know why i joined. the only real reason why i went for the interview was because i was afraid that i was going to regret not going. but from the start i already had a feeling that i wasn't going to like it. i'm the kind of person that prefers to sit quietly aside and watch things happen. i don't particularly enjoy being the person that makes things happen. plus, i kinda hate camp. yesterday was the first BSC meeting and i just can't help but feel out of place. i'm not going to judge the people there because i barely even know them. but the fact is that all these people were here because they enjoyed making new friends and going to camp. i was just there because i was scared of regret. i already knew from the start that i wouldn't stay in there forever cause i still wanted to join cmm ig but before i can back out i gotta go for the subcomm camp and for the millionth time. I. HATE. CAMP. why do i do this to myself? right now i just really hope that i can overcome my awkwardness and survive those 3 days. help.

i wish that i could be like the cool kids.

cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in.

i'm the kind of person that can't say what's on my mind. i'll keep it in until everything just builds up and then i'll implode. then i'll put myself back together and then the process will start all over again. it may seem like such a terrible way to live life but it's really not that hard. the way i see it holding everything in is just the way i cope. by having everything bottled up, it just makes me feel as tho i have something to hold onto and something to stand on. if you make me say what's on my mind it just takes away that coping mechanism and then i just end up feeling more lost than before. i won't tell anyone my problems not because i don't want to but because i can't. firstly, everytime i try to do so, the words just don't come out. and secondly, if i tell you what's wrong, i don't think i'll even know how or what to do with myself after that. i'll just feel empty. i know i had something else that i wanted to get off my chest but i starting think about design school's chicken cutlet with nacho sauce and now i just can't find my train of thoughts. if you haven't notice i'm just pretty much typing out everything that comes to my head. hmmm. can't remember. moving on.

all my submissions are just piling up but yet here i am still trying to get my shit together. it's come to a point where i know that my projects are falling apart but yet i don't know how to fix it. sorry for being hopelessly and utterly useless when it comes to school. can everything just go back to pfp where it was so easy and where work would just kinda magically finish itself? i just can't help but envy the new batch of pfp students. as much as i love and appreciate the class that i'm in now, i can't help but want pfp to last forever. i know i can't keep holding on to last year. after all,

"you can't keep running back to the past just because it's familiar."

stressed // depressed // and not all that well dressed.

high hopes and velvet ropes

 
new blog. new life.

i basically created this blog for a couple of reason.

1. I screwed up the layout in my old one.

2.  Don't really want anyone finding out about my blog.

3. I just realised how childish my old blog was.

4. I've changed. I'm not the girl in that blog anymore.

People change. it's part of life. so why is it that changing is always seen as something negative? when people start to tell us that we've changed, we have two choices. we can either deny it, or accept it. i used to just sit around and worry about what people thought of me and about how i could go back to being the person everyone thought I was. then i realised just how stupid that was. i am who i am. not who everyone wants me to be. i didn't change. i just grew up and became the person that i was always meant to be. accept who you are. and others will have no choice but to do the same. it isn't till you stop to take a step back that you start to realise that sometimes, people leaving is for the best. some people just weren't meant to stay and no matter how hard you try, you can't make them. letting go is hard and forgetting is harder. but if you keep holding on to something that isn't there anymore, you're the one that's going to get hurt. learn to let go. because sometimes that's the only way to stop yourself from drowning.

ok let's talk about life.
Sick of school.
Sick of assignment.
Sick of projects.
and probably sick of u.

 Work is piling up and yet i'm still here blogging and wasting my life away cause that's what i'm good at. school's a bore and i honestly learn nothing much everyday cause i either don't pay attention or i don't understand anything. honestly missing pfp like crazy now. everything was so easy and different. everyone was so friendly and it was a family. i'm truly grateful for the friends i've made in year 1 but when new friends come in you tend to lose your old ones. suddenly people who you were once so close too become a thing of your past and it's as if you were never friends. people come and people go. makes you wonder who you can really trust doesn't it?

If you don't understand something you shouldn't be too quick to judge. every time someone asks me about this i don't know why but i get so defensive and angry about it that i just can't seem to properly reason with them. get this right once and for all,
 
 FIRSTLY:
#wearwhite WAS NOT ORGANISED IN PROTEST OF THE PINK DOT EVENT

The Pink Dot event was held by people who want to make a stand about how two people of the same sex should be allowed to be together legally. Similarly, some Muslims and Christians also decided to take a stand and be pro family which means that they support the fact that families now consists of marriages that occur between a man and a woman. So now tell me, why is it that people who support the LGBT movement can take their stand with no questions asked but the minute we try to do so, we are shot down and faced with so much negativity? Moreover, the Pink Dot event was held at Hong Lim Park. It was held at a park. Also known as a PUBLIC PLACE. which means that anyone who walks past it, would be able to see what was going on. Christian's of FCBC on the other hand, decided to wear white in OUR OWN CHURCH during one of our regular sunday service. so now, after everything has been said and done, why is it that we are still seen as the ones who are being confrontational. i'm sorry but i just don't get it. 

SECONDLY:
I AM NOT HOMOPHOBIC.

Some of my best friends are gay and i do not discriminate against them. i still love them all the same. the Bible has taught me to love my neighbour as myself. it did not tell me to love my neighbour only if they weren't gay. my God loves everyone the same and i try my best to do the same. so don't you dare tell me that i hate all gays because i support the #wearwhite movement. i am sick and tired of people jumping to conclusions without knowing all the details. if after listening to everything i've said and you still think that what we did was wrong, then that is your opinion and i respect that. but please, before you judge, know what you're really judging. 

Speaking of judging.......
i absolutely hate it when people judge. it's my life and i am free to make my own decisions so tell me again, who are you to say that i'm not allowed to choose my own path and do what i want? if you think that what i'm doing isn't right then that's your opinion. there's no need for you to jam it down my throat. i honestly don't need someone constantly throwing me disapproving looks and judgmental comments. if you haven't noticed, my life is shitty enough without them. if you can't accept the way i'm living my life then leave. i'm 18. i'm still figuring things out. i'll get there eventually. but as for now, i'm sorry i'm not perfect enough for you. or rather, i'm sorry i'm not the person you want me to be. i will apologise for that but i will not apologise for being who i am. 

if you came here hoping that i would blog about important and interesting shit like typical bloggers do then i'm sorry. cause on my blogs i usually just complain about my life because it's kinda what i'm good at. my life is pretty messed up so i usually do have a lot of things to complain about.

don't judge me i'm not here to please you.

 #wearwhite