happy

What does it mean to be happy.

Sometimes, everything is alright. and you know that you should be happy but you just aren't. and you don't know why. is it just me? yes? ok. idk it's like something just feels all wrong even though everything is right. maybe it's a sign? maybe this is as far as it's suppose to go. i don't know. this is what's suppose to happen right? when everything just slows down and falls into place. but why does it seem like i've fallen out of place. it's so frustrating and i don't even know why. everything is right but i'm not. i don't know how to be happy even when i'm suppose to be. i'm really trying but i just can't.

it hurts you know. just feeling so alone. when everyone you've once been so close to just disappears. when you sit there just wanting to let it all out but you just have no one to talk to. it hurts. it's pathetic but it hurts. and then you try to think of ways to fix all the relationships that have broken but you know you just can't. cause it's over. wow this is depressing. i'm sorry to everyone for being such a terrible friend. i'm just a horrible person in general i mean i deserve this shit don't i. karma bitch. i try so hard but i can't fix it. it's stupid and pointless and i just don't know what to do anymore. i'm stuck.

is it fun? making people feel helpless. putting them impossible situations and then just telling them to figure it out. i mean sure as long as everyone else is happy it doesn't really matter what happens to me right? i'm a people pleaser. no matter how much i hate what you're making me do i will still try to do it. and if i can't, then i'll spend the next whole week feeling guilty about it so thank you for what you've done. because i totally needed more shit to deal with. well in case you haven't already noticed i'm pretty stocked up on the whole "shitty life" department. arg i feel so stupid for feeling the way i do now because it's not worth it and it's eating me alive. someone fix me. because i obviously can't fix myself.

literally just blogging in the dark with a roll of toilet paper next to me rn wow lex u r classy. i can't imagine myself staying but i also can't imagine myself leaving. one thing i do know is that i can't live like this forever. this is torture. but just because i let the new parts of my life go doesn't mean that i'll get the old ones back. but then again are they even worth getting back. time and time again i tell myself that they really aren't that important but then the minute i need a shoulder to cry my pathetic tears on it comes back to haunt me. arg crying. why do i keep crying. and for no good reason. this only real reason that i can really think of would be the fact that i'm just not happy. i should be but i'm just not. so what happens now. how do i fix this.

"why don't you just ask for help?"

if i could i would have. i can't just open up to anyone about my shit because idk... one, it feels weird and two, what if they just don't care. what if they just have better things to do then listen to my rants (which i have a lot of by the way). and even if i did find someone who would listen, where would i find the words? i can't say my problems out loud. that kinda just confirms that they're real and i very much like living in denial. story of my life. wow this is becoming such a pity sesh it's pathetic. i need to get my life together.

i miss the little things and i guess that's what affects me the most. remembering how things were in the past and just wishing that it would be the same now. but it isn't and i can't say or do anything about it cause... i don't know... isn't this just how it's all suppose to be? Ha and now we're right back where we started. so if this is the way that things are suppose to be, am i automatically expected to just accept it even tho i hate it? even tho it frustrates me and is mainly the reason why i feel like banging my head into a wall. i miss the way things used to be but i can't do anything about it. i mean i probably could but this is me we're talking about. and i hardly ever say anything much less try to make a point. i just accept how things are and try to make the best of it. and then i ask myself, "how now do i be happy."

but lately, that question is getting harder and harder to answer. everything is just as it's suppose to be. i'm suppose to be happy. but i'm not. and i don't know why.

it's just me. me and my stupid head.

things that piss me off

not really sure why i'm here rn because i don't even know what to say. is it wrong to be selfish sometimes. to want the best for yourself. and to want to actually be considered as important? i honestly don't know what frustrates me more. the fact that i'm just stuck like this now not knowing what to do, or the fact that i've lost so many people that i just have no one to turn to. it's sad isn't it. just suddenly realising that you have no one left because you've slowly pulled out of their lives be it whether you wanted to or not. and it's all your fault and there's probably nothing you can do about it. wow. that sucks. i like to be alone. but i don't like to feel alone. 

i'm sick and tired of being fitted into everyone's plan. don't make plans with everyone else and then just slot me in whenever you're free. no. if you want to see me then tell me and make plans with me. don't just hope that i'll be around every second of everyday just waiting for you to call. if you're too busy for me then just say it. i'll get over it. it's not that big of a deal. what hurts is the fact that i'm not even important enough for you to make plans with. since when did slotting me into your free time suddenly become ok? it frustrates me and honestly i'd rather not meet you at all then be some back up plan for you to use the minute you have nothing to do.

i take promises seriously. don't promise me something unless you're going to actually follow through with it. don't just say it and then forget about it. because i will remember it. and i will hold it against you. does that make me crazy? ok i swear i am that type of girl that will tell you that everything is fine but really it's not and i'm just holding it in because i'm not quite ready to let it out yet.

if you don't get what i mean, refer to number 8.

yes that is what i will do. butttt i won't exactly attack you with it i'll kind of just let it silently implode and then i'll forever hold it against you and you won't even know :") wow that sounds so sadistic hahahaha. omg i honestly don't even know where this is going. bottom line is, don't make empty promises cause it may look like nothings' wrong with really i'm kinda just decomposing inside. you feel? hope u feel. 

if something is wrong, you ask what's wrong. and if the person says that nothing's wrong, you let it go and move on. you do not pretend that nothing is wrong even tho you obviously can tell that something is very wrong. AND THE WORST PART is that when the person is confronted about it all they can say is like "oh i thought you wouldn't tell me even if i asked." well if you didn't ask then how would you know??? 

ps. pause here for a sec, all these points aren't pointed at anyone it's just based on what i've experienced and heard from others but,

carrying on, for all you freaking know that person that you thought "didn't want to talk about it" might have just needed someone to talk to and you were just being a lil piece of shit by playing the "i'm just gonna assume she'll get over it" card. hahahaha spare me. omg this is turning into a very heated rant.

another thing. sometimes i might be angry with you but i'll act like and say that i'm not NOT because i wanna keep it in and all that shit but because i've decided to try to be a decent person for once in my life and let it go. i don't really see the point in getting angry at every single thing that someone does to me so please do not, i repeat, DO NOT constantly question me about whether i'm still angry. and worst still after i say no, you carrying on asking me why i'm being so moody and shit like bitch leave me along i am trying to get over it. it does not just go away instantly it takes time for me to let it go completely so just let me be omg you have no idea how many times this has happened to me before. if you actually know me i don't get angry very often (being angry and annoyed is different pls i am constantly annoyed legit no lie) so if you think that i am angry, chances are that i'm either really not, or i'm getting over whatever you just did so leave me alone thank you.

HA ANOTHER THING THAT I HATE.

awkward is just life nuff said. 

RT THIS SO FREAKING MUCH. i have a very bad case of bitchy resting face syndrome. so even when i'm not doing anything, people just automatically assume that i'm glaring to staring at them or that i don't like them when in real life, i was just day dreaming. and worst still you go around telling everyone that i have a problem with you??? HAHAHA guess what? i'm currently building you a bridge so that you can get over yourself.

 (sorry i couldn't help it awkward describes my life HAHAHA)

There are just some people in my life who i just have no opinion about. it's not because i don't like them or anything it's just because they aren't that important to me that i would take the time to form my impression about them. or it could be that i also don't know them well enough to form an opinion about them. bottom line is that i know who they are and i know that they exist and that's enough for me. so please do not just assume that i automatically hate someone just cause i can't tell you if i like them or not because in all honesty i just don't care enough to go figure it out for myself. this is life.

 

omg my life is a messed i'm so annoyed with everyone and everything k bye. jk u thought my rant was over hahahahaha nope. ok this is kinda weird idk i hate it when people force me to do something and then after i do it they thank me for doing it like if you're gonna force me to do something that i don't want to do, just shut up about it afterwards. i know you're trying to be polite and shit but no. you already forced me to do something that i didn't want to so just stop. no amount of "thank you"s is gonna make it better just leave me alone. omg i'm so weird can everyone forget what you just read i need help.

arg.... stop pissing me off everything is just annoying me more and more by the second. i don't want to go. i really don't. but right now everything is making it easier for me to just walk away. nothing is stopping me and if nothing else does, i guess i just eventually will.