Alexandria.: caroline

So. what exactly happens now?

Things have gotten better. i can eat again. and i don't have to take pills to fall asleep. omg and i know it sounds like i've turned into some depressed druggy but i swear it's not like that. firstly, everyone thinks that i haven't been eating cause i'm depressed and sad and shit but pls. i really am trying to eat. like the other day i bought a $6 plate of rice and just ended up taking two bites and throwing the rest away. it isn't as if i'm forcing myself not to eat or something it's just kinda like i want to eat but i just can't. as for the meds i guess i don't really have an excuse. i just didn't want to be awake at night with my thoughts i guess.

One thing that i absolutely hate is how everyone just assumes that i'm helpless. bitch pls i can handle myself.

Everyone acts as if i'll die without him and that i'll never move on like stop just shut up. it's so frustrating. everyone acts as if he's the only one that's allowed to move on as if i'm suppose to sit here and cry for another 8 months before i get my shit together. HA. no thank u. please let me explain because if i don't i'll never find peace (even tho no one is prolly gonna ever read this). even tho he was the one that initiated the break up, i already knew months before that it was the best thing for both of us. both because of religion and because of the fact that i don't think we were just meant to last. idk i guess it was just a gut feeling but i knew it was gonna end. i guess i just didn't do it earlier because i kinda forgot how to live without him. but now i remember. and i know that everything is gonna be just fine.

"some people were meant to fall in love but not meant to be together."

so when he did break up with me, i'll be honest with you. i didn't cry the night we broke up. yeah i sat in my room all night. in the dark. refusing to come out. but i didn't cry. yes i was pissed and yes i did hate him at that point in time but a part of me was kinda relived. i mean it was finally over. what many people don't know was all the stress that i was under. the stress of keeping my parents happy. keeping my cell leader happy. keeping my friends happy and keeping him happy. i guess that all just made me very unhappy. and now that it's all over and i've pretty much pulled myself together, i'm actually, finally, happy. sure i still miss texting him and seeing him and sometimes it breaks my heart when he talks to other girls but now i just feel free. i can do whatever i want. talk to whoever i want. be whoever i want. i mean i can be anybody now because there isn't anyone to tell me who i should be and who they want me to be. i don't have to please anyone and i don't have to live up to anyone's expectations.

Awkward is life. and if i couldn't relate to it enough before, i definitely could relate to it now. i guess that one thing that i've noticed more and the one thing that i really want is the matty and jenna relationship. i've never seen anything wrong with just being friends with your ex. cause in the end, the relationship was fun. and i guess that was just all it was meant to be. pure fun. but once it's over, i don't understand why people can't just go back to how they were before? what's so hard about being friends? and what's the point of telling me that we can still smile and say hi whenever we see each other when everytime we do see each other you just pretend that i'm not there? sigh i guess it did kind of bother me at first but now... not so much. why should i try if you don't want to?

I'm not saying that i'm a hundred percent over him and that i'm not gonna miss him and all that shitzzz. i mean even tho i didn't cry on the first night, i completely broke down on the second day. it was pathetic and really quite humiliating. there's really nothing i hate more than having people watch me cry. but i guess i've just come to the conclusion that crying was just what i needed. in the past, i used to hold everything in. because i was scared that people would judge me for the things that i was trying to hide. because i thought that people would judge my secrets. but for him, i just needed to cry it out. i just needed to get him out of my system and that's exactly what i did. people may see me crying as a form of ,as i quote, "not being able to get over him" or "wanting him back" but to me, it was really more of a "letting him go". now and again i do feel like crying but i guess that's ok. he was my first love. and as much as i hate to admit it, he broke my heart. but i'm not going to wait around for some other guy to fix it for me. i'll fix it myself.

blogging does wonders for the soul. a month ago i would never have dared to blog like this because i used to be scared that he would find my posts and read all the things that he did to make me upset sometimes. because that's what i did. i pushed down all the problems that we had so that the relationship could keep on going. but now... now i just feel free. i can say what i want and i don't care if anyone sees it (still not gonna spread my blog URL tho)

i guess another good thing that came out of this break up was that i fixed a lot of other stuff too. i always used to blog about how i've lost so many people and how i've pushed so many others away just cause i wanted to keep him. but now, i guess i've finally found a way to get all those relationships back. and better still i found a way to grow closer to the friends that i already had in the first place. honestly groots and qt were the only people getting me through this entire thing and i'm pretty sure that without them, i'd still be sobbing into my pillow right about now. when God closes one door, He always opens another. i don't regret him. and i don't hate him. he'll always be my first love and up till the way he broke up with me, he was the perfect first. and no matter what happened or happens after that, i'm just gonna let bygones be bygones and remember the boy i fell in love with. even if he isn't that boy anymore. there's no point in holding onto the painful memories. it's time i stopped trying to please everyone else and do something for myself.

it's time to be happy.

- this week's tvd episode -

(and also because caroline perfectly describes how i've felt the whole of last week)